People get this the wrong way around. Rather than showing others their warmth, or giving them attention, they hold back, or don’t show interest. They have a fear of being rejected. Playing it cool is never optimal. Who would you rather spend time with? Someone who laughs, listens, and is generous in their attention; or someone who is cool and distant? There is no doubt that being direct in your interest is best. Why? Because directness cancels out ambiguity. Still not convinced? Read this article that I contributed to Science of Relationships to find out why, according to science, Direct is Best.
Concern about rejection controls much of our behaviour. We will deal with techniques to change how to deal with rejection in a later lesson. In the meantime, let’s concentrate on some techniques to show people you like them. You can incorporate the body language techniques that you learnt earlier in the course. The techniques of open body language are a great start to show people you like them. But another way to show people you like them is to think S.C.O.R.E.
S. Smile. Who doesn’t love to be smiled at? Not only is it reassuring for the other person, but it shows your openness and warmth, which they will want to bask in.
C. Compliment. It’s another way of making someone feel special and appreciated. ‘You have such an interesting take on that. I’d love to hear more.’
O. Open Question. Besides making people feel listened to, it opens up the conversation. Who knows where it might lead? ‘How do you feel about that’. ‘What’s your opinion’.
R. Relax. Ok, this one is for you. Remember, this isn’t a trip to the dentist. Have fun and enjoy!
E. Eye Contact. A general rule is the person listening gives the speaker almost 100% eye contact. The speaker gives the listener about 80% eye contact, but moves their eyes off to the side occasionally whilst speaking (just so it’s not an intense eye lock!).
The secret – stop getting others to like you and, instead, show others that you like them! Use S.C.O.R.E. as a gentle reminder for yourself as to what to do when you are in these situations.